Ever since I found out that I'm pregnant, I keep having this recurring dream in which I experience an emotion I can only refer to as claustrophobia. Apparently, I'm anxious that the human being growing inside of me will get enormous and I'll feel like I can't escape. For months. Has anyone else ever experienced this?
Of course, it's not all bad. I have daydreams, too. Everybody seems to think I'm having a girl, even though I'm still at least 5 weeks out from knowing the gender. I keep picturing this little girl playing on the beach, running in and out of the water, with a smile on her face so big she looks like she could burst from being overwhelmingly overjoyed. Because of this daydream, I keep thinking about the name "Felicity," which means "intense happiness."I say all of this and it could be a boy. ;)
And I have thought about adoption. The problem is that it feels incredibly impossible to find a couple I could trust wholeheartedly within the next 7 and a half months. It's my baby, not a house.
I once read a quote that suggested we read to know we're not alone. While I certainly don't feel alone in this journey (I have amazing friends and family with loads of valuable advice - my favorite being "don't read What to Expect When You're Expecting"), I do feel that I need to write about this experience. It's tough. I never saw myself having kids. But once you see a little foot with five little toes kicking on an ultrasound screen and the strong, little flutter of its heartbeat, you become a different person. You realize that you have become responsible for another life and it's simultaneously the most terrifying and exciting thing you've ever felt.
My own mom is amazing. I can't really tell you what her emotions were when she was carrying me because I've never asked. But I know our circumstances are very different. She had my dad, who loves her very much. To be honest, at the moment, I feel like all I've got is a lot of anger and doubt.
These are just emotions, maybe heightened by hormones. And I will overcome them. This little person will know that his/her mommy loved him/her enough to climb out from underneath the weight of this cowardice and anger. He or she will know that mommy did her best to bravely make the right decisions about his/her future.
Because whether these kicking feet belong to a boy or a girl, I LOVE this baby.
